Best Hiding Places in London

Put you childhood skills of hide-and-seek to good use in a grown-up context at one of these secret places London has up its sleeves.


We’ve all had times when we have to lie low until the heat dies down, or find a way of hiding our shame. As with all large cities, there’s an underworld filled with hidden criminals and scandal who have to cloak their activities and stash loot. For most of us, we’ll never become involved with such shady dealings, however, we can certainly take advantage of their methods and the number of hiding places that exist in London. So whether you work for a large company and have been tasked with the errand of getting rid of some dodgy paperwork, have just had a break up and need to bury embarrassing love letters, or made an ill-devised comment at a party and need to find a haven of isolation until the incident has been forgotten, there’s a place in London for you.

Hiding Places 1

It’s increasingly difficult to find a good way of disposing of toxic waste. Though these days in the era of gentrification, it’s more likely that large industrial dregs take the form of numbers of craft beer bottles too great to be heaved in person to a legitimate dump on the outskirts of the city (and who wants to go to those parts of town, anyway).
Suggested hiding place: Behind cinemas a vengeance for the extortionate fees they charge for confectionary. Larger cinemas are best for this, such as the Curzon in Soho, or the IMAX just off Southbank, which make for ideal stashing locations.

How to rid yourself of love letters and mementos of affection is always a difficult decision to make. Giving them to a friend to hide maintains too many emotional strings, whilst simply binning them seems too mundane to justify the pain of the social severance.
Suggested hiding place: Throw them off London Bridge at midnight. This is the ideal location due to its proximity to Soho which has two major advantages. Firstly, there’s so much crime going on there at weekends that the police will be too busy with that to come over and tell you off. Secondly, when you’re done you can have a fancy cocktail afterwards. Having done this myself, I can attest that this is common practice, and have seen a number of other people also undertake the task.Hidden London gems whisper breathless curse words into your fleshy little ears.

Hiding Places 2

Shortly before his death the cult dystopian surrealist artist Zdzislaw Beksinski burned all of his sub-par paintings to ensure he was remembered as a consistently brilliant painter. Unfortunately new legislation in London to control smoke levels now means that burning your artistic failures is no longer an option for artists. Thus, alternatives to creative disposal must now be found.
Suggested hiding place: The White Cube gallery in Mason’s Yard. After a decent amount of destruction and glue to turn your failed works into an amalgamation of sticky horror, leave them outside in the zone for deliveries. When it is found the next day, it will be regarded as the work of a gorilla object trouve artist and taken off your hands, free of charge, to find a new life in a forthcoming art fair.

Business and Government
When it comes to the destruction of secret documents, the shredder is no longer good enough. Besides, most documents are now digital. Previously it was fine to leave the laptop containing the files on public transport, and let local hoodlums do the rest of the work for you by dismantling it for parts to sell onto dodgy computer repair shops. Thanks to one fool who cocked up this remarkably simple task, this method is no longer viable.
Suggested hiding place: Outside the London School of Economics, where everyone will assume they’re the worthless first draft of a student dissertation or practice business report for a fictional enterprise.

Hiding places 3

Social Humiliation
This is harder to hide, as you’re not trying to dispose of an object; you’re trying to hide yourself. Rest assured that there are plenty of options despite this initial setback.
Suggested hiding place: Taking refuge in small flower shops is a good option, whereby the calming effects of nature will ease the pain of your situation. Landscaping parks is also immensely popular. Choose parks that your witnesses are less likely to frequent (so not Hampstead Heath). Turn instead to suburbia. Particularly Barnes Common, where as a bonus you can sustain yourself from the abundance of water fowl (no one will notice a few ducks missing now and then).

Specifically, much loved dead plants and pets that have perished in your care that must be disposed of and replaced before the owner notices. The back yard and shovel option is too conspicuous to risk undertaking (you don’t want a Rear Window situation), and it’s not really worth paying the astronomical fees pet crematoriums charge for Snowflake the hamster or Agamemnon the goldfish.
Suggested hiding place: Outside the Francis Crick Institute where you’ll pass the blame onto an unethical research team and get off scot-free. These secret London locations have so much to offer.These are definitely some of the most unusual things to do in London

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